1. September 2022, Language and Literacy Narrative 
2. March 2023, Critical Rhetorical Analysis Essay 
3. April 2023, Research-Based Rhetoric Essay
4. February 2024, Creative Narrative 

 

1. Writing I Language and Literary Narrative

The room is dark, the shuffling comes to a stop, and you feel others in the room pause and collect themselves for this special occasion. There’s sudden silence and cutting through it, the click of the kitchen lighter, the kind with the long torch end. You recognize that sound from having to relight the stove’s flame one too many times. You’re sat at the head of the dining room table, and you start to recognize that all your family members are surrounding you. All eyes and cameras are on you.

You hear the voices of family members who presumably couldn’t make it, blaring through a cell phone, their face up against the screen, leaving no more space in the frame.

The elderly and their struggles with technology.

The family that did make it are now watching you awkwardly fiddle with your thumbs and timidly comb your fingers through your hair, pushing it onto one side of your shoulders. Your loved ones begin singing through the dimly lit room, with the only light source being the freshly lit, stubby, wax candles, the kind every birthday person must sit behind as an entire room full of people sing, waiting for them to blow the tiny flames out. From this, they’ll make a wish that will most likely be forgotten about within the next week.

This time, it’s your special day, a day that will only happen once in your lifetime. You only turn 5, or 12, or 17, once. Each time you’ve turned these ages, you’ve been sitting above a different cake of your choosing with different numbered candles. The only thing that remains constant with every birthday person, is the name in icing. Before each cake is sliced into, the frosting is smudged and the name crossed out as an act of “preventing bad luck”. These rituals have been followed time and time again, for each and every birthday party that has occurred in the family. You’ve grown familiar with the traditions and even adopted some yourself. You cannot imagine a time in your future when you will not maintain them.

But now, since you’re the one sitting in the chair at the head of the table, you aren’t a part of the singing crowd. Instead of singing, your eyes meet the burning flame, mind growing blank, and finally, you are free to think.

“Ya queremos pastel, ya queremos pastel, aunque sea un pedacito, pero queremos pastel”, sung to the tune of happy birthday is a song that every child, even those not blood related to the family, have grown familiar with. It had always been solely a verbal exchange, no one was individually taught the lyrics, and not one of you would even know how to write the lyrics out on paper.  Instead, it was just something you had learned through the repetition of hearing it for every single birthday.

You’re not fluent in Spanish, but yet it’s the only culture you’ve ever had as your own. In fact, no children in the family are fluent Spanish speakers, although some try harder than others to practice. You are a Hispanic that can’t speak Spanish, instead, what you can do is sing.

The birthday song has connected you to your culture in the least expected way. It has brought the younger generation of English speakers and children born of this country closer to grandparents, who exclusively speak Spanish. And while the older folks have attempted to learn English for you, they ultimately gave up due to the security that speaking their native tongue had given them. It’s difficult enough to communicate with them through the language barrier, and you can only share so much with what limited knowledge you have. You crave the connection with not only your culture, but your family.

The singing has come to an end, and you see every single pair of eyes stare into yours, with anticipation. You observe all members of your family as they smile, and you look deeper to see love bubble just beneath their gaze. They’ve come to celebrate you in any way they can, even if it can only include their physical presence.

With this, you shut your eyes and blow.

And only after you blow out these candles do you finally feel united,

as love and happiness can be heard and recognized, regardless of language.

You’ll remember this wish. And you’ll wait for another celebration of love, until the next birthday.

 

2. Writing II Critical Rhetorical Analysis Essay 

Billie Holiday was an extremely prominent figure in music, especially for her work in jazz and blues. Holiday had an incredibly unique voice and style, with a deeply moving and mature sound. While she never had any formal vocal training, Holiday’s various performances in Harlem jazz clubs and nightclubs, shaped her to create stunning pieces of work throughout the course of her life. One of Billie Holiday’s most beautiful and culturally significant pieces, “Strange Fruit” would be the song she is greatly known for, and it has even received accolades such as being named “Song of the Century” in 1999, and included on the National Recording Registry in 2003. Billie Holiday flawlessly uses her voice as a tool to exhibit pathos and evoke a somber, and gut-wrenching feeling out of her listeners in order to persuade them to confront and protest the lynching of African Americans in the late 1930s.

 Although this song is more widely known as Holiday’s work, the song’s origins actually date back to a published poem in 1937, named “Bitter Fruit,” written by Abel Meeropol, that addressed the brutality of the mass lynching that were occurring in the South at the time. Meeropol, a Jewish American teacher from the Bronx, wrote the poem under the pseudonym Lewis Allen, and published it to a journal called The New York Teacher. The poem’s main focus and inspiration was from a photo that Meeropol had come across of the 1930 lynching of two Black teen boys in Indiana (US Library of Congress, 2).  Abel Meeropol decided to change the medium of which he delivered this message, adapted the poem as a song, and as a result, was used at frequent protest rallies and shows, growing familiar to those in the New York City area. Due to the songs growing popularity in venues, it eventually caught the attention of Billie Holiday, who although was hesitant at first to sing a song that would “politicize her performances,” would later gain tremendous support for the tragically beautiful piece (Fields, paragraph 3).

            With respect to the song’s origins, and to receive the powerful effect of the words themselves, the song should be viewed and absorbed as a poem first. The structure of “Bitter Fruit” by Abel Meeropol is identical to that of Billie Holiday’s song, and this includes the pattern of rhyme. The last word of every line of the poem perfectly rhymes with that of the line below it. For example, the first line “Southern trees bear a strange fruit,” ends with the word “fruit,” and the line after that “Blood on the leaves and blood at the root,” ends with “root” (Meeropol). The last word of each line follows in the last two lines of the first stanza, “breeze,” and “trees,” and the first two lines of the second stanza, “South,” and “mouth”. After recognizing the unwavering pattern of rhyme within each line, the reader begins to expect the rhythm of each line and how it will end. Rhyming creates a memorable experience within the song, and something that will stick with the listener, as Holiday intended. There are many instances in the poem where especially gruesome imagery was created. For example, in the last two lines of the first stanza of “Bitter Fruit,” it reads, “Black body swinging in the southern breeze/Strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees.” These lines, especially being of the first of the poem,set the scene very well, and allow the reader to picture the event that has occurred. These lines also include a metaphor, referring to the bodies hanging from the tree as “strange fruit.” While this is the second time the phrase “strange fruit” has been mentioned, with the first being in the very first line of the poem, this use of the phrase is different. In the first use of “strange fruit,” the reader could not yet piece together what the “strange fruit” was symbolizing. However, now that the “Black body swinging in the southern breeze” has been mentioned, they can now conclude that there is no fruit at all, and that it is a person. The comparison of a person hung from a tree to a fruit is purposeful, since it creates an uncomfortable association for the reader, and can probably lead them far enough to lose an appetite. Additionally, the poem contains several examples of imagery that tend to contradict each other, creating juxtaposition. For example, the third line of the second stanza, “Scent of magnolia, sweet and fresh,” provides delightful imagery of a sweet flower found in the South, but then the line directly following reads, “And the sudden smell of burning flesh.” By switching between a pleasant image, moving more towards a very gruesome one, Meeropol reminds the audience that the atrocity that has been committed cannot be overshadowed by the beauty of nature. In the metaphors of the poem, Meeropol’s main goal was to create an image and feeling that the reader will not be able to shake off. 

            While the Billie Holiday version is lyrically identical to the content of the poem, there are several rhetorical changes she makes, such as exhibiting pathos throughout the song. One major change made was the addition of a determined pace at which the story is portrayed. When sung by Billie Holiday, compared to the poem, the delivery of each line is not predictable, as there is no set rhythm created by Holiday. Instead, the delivery is slow, but powerful. There is emphasis placed on some phrases, and there is a lack of emphasis on others. An example of this was in the line “Black bodies swingin’ in the Southern breeze.” In this line, Holiday spoke with inflections on words such as “swingin’,” and “Southern,” even extending the amount of syllables in each. By doing this, Holiday makes these specific words more memorable and makes the event they are associated with, garner more attention.  Strategic rhetoric like this also exhibits Billie Holiday’s complete control over how the audience receives the message of the text. For example, the sound she has created is very somber and slow, creating a gloomy, and eerie tone. This has to do with the fact that the song is set in the key of B-flat minor. Since minor keys are characterized as creating a dark and sad sound, if the song were to be switched to a major key, it would more so be characterized as happy and energizing,  it would not reflect the intended message of the lyrics nor the song. Holiday persists with controlling the mood with the pitch of her notes, with an example of it being how the song ends. The last pitch we are given of Holiday’s singing is the phrase “crop,” sung on an F. This is unusual because typically when a song ends, it ends on a note close in pitch to the key they started in. This practice is very similar to how when reading a sentence aloud, people tend to end the sentence at a “closing pitch,” so as to not sound like their sentence is left unfinished. By ending on a higher note than the key she was originally in, Holiday effectively made the song “Strange Fruit” sound like it was left on a “cliffhanger,” or left unfinished. This creates tension and an uncomfortable feeling for the listener, a completely intentional element given the context of the piece.

            Besides the structural characteristics of the song, “Strange Fruit,” Billie Holiday also made the performance of the song unique and specific to her. Since the song gained its popularity, many of Holiday’s audience made special requests to hear the song, to which she obliged, and the song became her signature closer to each of her shows. According to Liz Fields, in “The Story behind Billie Holiday’s ‘Strange Fruit’, ” while closing each performance to “Strange Fruit,” Holiday would have the waiters “stop serving so there was a deathly silence in the room, then a spotlight would shine on Holiday’s face and she would begin to sing.” Since this process became routine for all performances of the song, it added personality to Billie Holiday’s rendition of the already unique body of text.

            Billie Holiday’s presentation of “Strange Fruit” was received very differently to how the poem was originally received, and this is due to Holiday’s ethos. As a woman well versed in the music industry, with several performances and prestigious venues such as Carnegie Hall under her belt, it is no surprise that “Strange Fruit” gained immense popularity. Holiday’s personal identity also contributed to her credibility for the song, since being a Black woman raised in New York City during the early 1900’s, she had her own experiences regarding racism. This also motivated her decision to accept Meeropol’s proposal to interpret “Bitter Fruit” (Louvet, 6).  Following these events, Holiday’s “Strange Fruit” became a powerful protest anthem used by the Civil Rights movement, which was gaining traction at the time. Holiday’s personal relation to the movement attracted great support, and the song became her most popular feature. On the contrary, Abel Meeropol was a man of Russian Jewish descent, and while also prosecuted, the song’s impact on the Black community during this time was unequivocal.

            Although the song was well received by her more progressive audience, Holiday faced many obstacles throughout the course of her music. During the creation of “Strange Fruit,” Holiday needed to overcome struggles such as finding a place that would allow her to record the song. She was denied by her own record label, Columbia Records, out of fear of controversy and possible displeasure from their white partners and customers, though eventually found partnership with Commodore Records, the company that would eventually establish the song’s place in the market (Louvet, 12). “Strange Fruit” was an anthem adopted by the Civil Rights Movement at a time when the US government was conservative, an environment that put Holiday in an unfavorable position in the media. The entertainment industry was targeted, Holiday especially. Federalist Bureau of Narcotics commissioner, Harry Anslinger, requested Holiday to stop performing the number, to which she refused. From that point on, Anslinger led an ongoing investigation, which would then lead Holiday to be framed and sent to prison, be stripped of her cabaret performer’s license, and ultimately end her nightclub career (Fields, 8). In order to prevent a revolt and further resistance from Black Americans, the government resorted to censoring Holiday. Billie Holiday’s rhetoric was seen as too controversial, and disturbing for the general public to be openly accepting of it, although it served its intended purpose of bringing attention to the injustice faced by Black Americans.

            The decision to continue spreading her rhetoric had high risks and many consequences for Billie Holiday, but its legacy was much greater than just that. Billie Holiday’s “Strange Fruit” has remained one of the most impactful pieces of music, even after her life came to an end. The song was presented internationally, and due to fear of uprising, restricted to the public eye in places such as South Africa (Louvet, 15).

            Billie Holiday’s rendition of “Strange Fruit” utilized many rhetorical skills and  effectively made her audience experience feelings of melancholy and sorrow, sharing her grief as a Black American leading up to the Civil Rights Movement. Holiday’s shockingly gruesome imagery contrasted with rhythmic melodies and forced her listeners to experience discomfort towards a thing otherwise savored and enjoyed– fruit. Ultimately, Holiday wanted her audience to understand and feel the intense grief an entire community of people had been experiencing during this time, and motivate them to recognize their oppression as an issue. She was faced with fatal consequences, but the effects of her emotional song have lived on and will continue to carry out her courageous message of resistance.

Works Cited

 

 

3. Writing II Research-Based Research Essay

Abstract

            This essay discusses the problem of homophobia as faced by the LGBTQ+ community of which I belong to. I argue that the best solution to this problem is to decriminalize homosexuality, provide greater LGBTQ+ representation in legislation, and stop the reinforcement of homophobic ideals taught in society. I support my position by analyzing the different forms of homophobia, such as internalized homophobia, religious homophobia, and state-sponsored homophobia. I establish these forms as tools used to hinder the expression of LGBTQ+ people and incite violence and prejudice towards the community. This topic is important because there is no justification for criminalizing homosexuality. The keywords mentioned in this piece are homophobia, LGBTQ+, social exclusion, pathology, religion, and identity.

Introduction

Since its establishment, the core value of the United States has been freedom. As a society, the foundation of not obstructing the freedom of Americans has been supported by legislation and the general masses. Ideals such as religious freedom and rights of free speech are crucial in giving Americans the free opportunity to express themselves while also ensuring they are protected by law. However, these principles seem to not apply in regards to the queer population of Americans. The intolerance towards homosexuality and homosexuals poses as the greatest danger for the LGBTQ+ community. With several recognized types of homophobia, such as state-sponsored homophobia, religious homophobia, and internalized homophobia, the negative effects on the LGBTQ+ community are clear.  Homophobia is the biggest issue faced by the LGBTQ+ community, hindering the freedom of sexual orientation and inciting harassment and discrimination.

Background

            Homophobia is a term best used to describe disdain and intolerance towards homosexuality and homosexuals. It can . In Beyond “Homophobia”: Thinking about Sexual Prejudice and Stigma in the Twenty-First Century by Gregory M. Herek, he characterizes homophobia and antigay prejudice as society’s fear of any non-heterosexual behavior, and resistance towards accepting homosexuality as a social identity. In his writing, Herek addresses the origins of “homophobia” as a term through the studies of George Weinberg, the Jewish-American psychologist who first coined the term “homophobia” in the 1960s. He describes the conceptualization of homosexuality as a pathology, or disease (Herek, 2). This idea relates back to one of Herek’s previous points when covering developments in the 1970s, he describes pivotal events in history that have led to the current societal view of homosexuality. One of those moments included when the American Psychiatric Association Board of Directors proceeded with the removal of homosexuality from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, allowing homosexuality to exist independently, without being considered a mental disorder (Herek, 1). After further research with Herek himself, Weinberg was able to discern that the negative perceptions of homosexuals can be recognized as a phobia, instead of being considered an illness and disorder, as it was prior (Herek, 2). Furthermore, homophobia’s definition expanded into “a form of prejudice directed by one group at another,” and its use was explicit, referring to the incapacitation of a person from “engaging in activities considered decent by society” (Herek, 3). It is through this notion that Herek determines the importance of “homophobia” as a term not to validate the fears belonging to intolerant heterosexuals, but to instead stand a “central assumption of heterosexual society on its head by locating the ‘problem’ of homosexuality not in homosexual people, but in heterosexuals who were intolerant of gay men and lesbians” (Herek, 3).

Under the general term “homophobia,” there are specifics that can be explored further that occur in different contexts, such as state sponsored homophobia, religious homophobia, and internalized homophobia.

Religious homophobia pertains to differing ideology within one’s faith that may cause them to be discriminatory or intolerant of the queer community. Oftentimes there are religious beliefs within each faith that demonize homosexuals, causing a very anti-homosexual bias within communities. This has created hostility and exclusion of the LGBTQ+ community, but there are some values of many religions that view homosexuality positively.

Internalized homophobia can best be described as an anti-gay mindset instilled through discriminatory societal norms and values. Ideology present in our society has consisted of  homosexuality being “wrong” and “immoral” while heterosexuality is “correct.” The reason this form of homophobia is so unique is that oftentimes when these discriminatory messages are taught to people with a homosexual identity, or any identity outside of the societal norm, the negativity is internalized, causing self-loathing and disgust. The extent to which internalized homophobia affects an individual includes feelings of repression and denial, heavily contributing to one’s mental health. Internalized homophobia has been an established issue for individuals within the LGBTQ+ community, and even heterosexuals who have been raised with the discriminatory ideals. A notable figure, Magnus Hirschfield, was a sexologist in the early 19th century that documented his experience with internalized homophobia.

Hirschfeld, like Pater a privileged white man, similarly experienced the exclusion—and sense of a loss of support network—that comes with enforced exile. (Bauer, 105)

Although Hirschfield was characterized based on his white and cis-male identity, it was his personal identity as a queer man in an anti-gay society that led him to self isolation. Analyzing the personal insight and disconnect from the “typical” American culture that he felt, it is easy to see the effect anti-queer ideology had on Hirschfield as a member of the LGBTQ+ community in the early 19th century.

State-sponsored homophobia concerns prejudice against LGBTQ+ people that is present in government. Specifically in the United States, anti-gay laws and state sponsored homophobia has often been a reflection of other forms of homophobia, “personal preconceptions and prejudices” belonging to state legislators (OHCHR, 2019). While there have been federal moves to promote inclusion and defense of the LGBTQ+ community in legislation, such as the Equality Act, there are many states in the US that do not prioritize the LGBTQ+ population. In these situations, by not protecting the LGBTQ+ people legally, they remain defenseless against homophobic acts, enabling discrimination to occur within their own state. As the LGBTQ+ community in the United States faces their own oppression, in other parts of the world, there are laws put into place directly criminalizing homosexuality, with punishments as intense as the death penalty. Instead of anti-gay laws being a result of other forms of homophobia, discriminatory ideals are sustained through the law, making state sponsored homophobia an entity all on its own. In countries such as Saudi Arabia, Nigeria, and Iran, consensual acts between members of the same sex is punishable through flogging, a punishment where the victim is hit repeatedly with a whip or stick, imprisonment, and/or the death penalty (ILGA, 2023).

Social exclusion can best be defined as a restriction on individuals, making them unable to participate in society, based on parts of their identity, whether that be race, ethnicity, religion, gender, age, etc. The issue of social exclusion is relevant as it is one of the primary results of homophobia and prejudice towards LGBTQ+ people, and it is based on sexual orientation within their identity. Social exclusion spans over many fields, including exclusion from certain benefits in education, health care, housing, employment, and occupational opportunities (United Nations Human Rights, 1).

The LGBTQ+ community is a loosely established group and social community representing differing sexual orientations or identity. Its primary message is to promote inclusivity, individuality, diversity, and sexuality. The name LGBTQ+ is an acronym for many identities that fall in line with the group such as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and the “+” stands for the countless others that hold a place within the group such as intersex, asexual, etc. The adoption of the acronym is a method of inclusion within itself, acting as an umbrella term and spectrum for individuals to discover a personal identity in sexual orientation or gender identity. Sexual orientation refers to who a person is attracted to romantically, emotionally, or physically, while gender identity refers to the personal conception of gender.  While the specifics of each identity differ, LGBTQ+ may refer to anyone who does not fit within the societal binary, or someone who is not heterosexual or cisgender, with heterosexual meaning sexual attraction to people of the opposite sex, and cisgender meaning a gender identity that corresponds with the sex registered at birth. However, those identifying within the community do not need to be exclusively lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, or be labeled at all.

Hindrance of sexual orientation

LGBTQ+ people are held back from expression due to the intolerant behavior that is taught and perpetuated within society. Homophobic rhetoric supporting the idea that homosexuality is “morally wrong” dehumanizes members of the LGBTQ+ community and strips them of their humanity and inhibits their freedom to identify themselves the way they see fit. These feelings have been categorized as being more “consistent with the emotion of anger than fear (Herek, 5).” Homosexuality had been viewed as a mental illness for so long and studied as pathology, when those classifications had been deeply rooted in homophobia themselves. The hostility towards homosexuality was preserved in society through culture and social interactions, as well as individual thought processes (Herek, 6). Outside of these practices, “the boundary between heterosexuality and homosexuality was arbitrary and artificial.”

            Homosexuality and those within the LGBTQ+ community are affected by some religious beliefs that condemn their identity, discouraging their existence and subjecting them to oppression. For example, some ideals in the Christian faith condemn homosexuality. A common belief within the faith is that homosexuality is a “sin.” However, since the religious text has various interpretations, there is no confirmation within the sacred text if homosexuality is labeled a “sin” or not. Despite this ambiguity, there have been many instances in which the Christian faith has been used to demonize homosexuality. For instance, in the 1990s, many Americans embraced the identity of being a “born again” Christian, an identity that carried “a deep antipathy towards homosexuals. This antipathy was based mainly on commitment to a social identity rooted in allegiance to a political and religious movement” (Herek, 8).

             Utilizing both religious homophobia and state-sponsored homophobia, some territories under the Islamic faith forbid homosexuality, making the distinction between religious beliefs and institutionalized discrimination unclear. In the Islamic faith, Shari’a law is the code in which all Muslims adhere to, allowing themselves to lead every aspect of their lives according to what they interpret their God’s wishes as. Similar to the religious text of Christianity, these religious beliefs have ambiguity regarding homosexuality, but there are several countries that justify their denial of LGBTQ+ rights on official interpretations of Shari’a law (USCIRF, 2021). The intolerance of homosexuality is explicit, and perpetuated within the society itself through legislation. Under justifications of the Islamic faith, homosexuality is criminalized, even extending to intense punishments such as the death penalty. These punishments are justified and continue due to the heavy reliance that Muslim-majority countries place on interpretations of Shari’a law.

Incitement of harassment and violence

Following the overturning of Roe V. Wade, there are possible legislative actions that may pose a danger directly to the LGBTQ+ population within the US. Roe V. Wade was the United States Supreme Court case that served as a precedent to federally protect women’s rights to abortion. The case was originally decided in 1973, claiming that the 14th Amendment implied a right to privacy that was applicable to abortion as a fundamental right. In 2022, the case was overturned, which left the decision of abortion rights up to the individual states. This event is problematic for the LGBTQ+ community, as Justice Clarence Thomas, a justice that overturned Roe V. Wade, proposed the idea of reconsidering Obergefell V. Hudges, the case that nationally legalized gay marriage (Corbett, 2022). The outcome of this ruling could reverse several LGBTQ+ Rights Movements, enabling anti-gay legislation to be permitted within states with a low or underrepresented LGBTQ+ population.

            The lack of legislative representation for LGBTQ+ communities enables violent discrimination upon the community. As reported on by news outlet MSNBC, radical groups expressed their homophobic ideals through gay rhetoric and inciting riots and attacks on LGBTQ+ events. In their news report, one of the incidents analyzed was the moment in which a radical group, “Proud Boys”, interrupted a storytelling children’s event led by local drag artists at a California library. The “Drag Queen Story Hour” was disrupted by the group’s hateful conduct, delivering homophobic and transphobic expressions. This situation was among several events used to showcase the escalation of radical groups, and the lengths intolerant people are willing to go in order to spread their anti-LGBTQ+ beliefs.

Conclusion

Exclusion of the LGBTQ+ community is based on the learned intolerance and stigma towards homosexuality.  It is through reeducation and reformation of old anti-LGBTQ+ ideals that homophobia’s influence in society may be reduced. The solution to homophobia is to decriminalize homosexuality, provide greater LGBTQ+ representation in legislation, and break the cycle of homophobic ideals that have been normalized for so long in society. If this cycle is not broken, homophobia will continue to endanger the lives of LGBTQ+ people, through legislation and societal norms.

 

 

4. The Evolutions and Expressions of Racism BLS Creative Narrative

 

The Woman in the Fruit Basket

My grandmother on my mom’s side hates being called grandma, so we call her “Mami.” She only speaks Spanish, so communication with her grandkids was always challenging. None of her grandkids are fluent in Spanish, and as you go down the line, Spanish is spoken less and less. However, one thing that Mami does without needing words is giving gifts. Mami loved to bring us gifts from when she’d visit her sisters in Guatemala. She has brought us beautiful woven purses, woven slippers, and plenty of food. Every time Mami would return from Guate, she would bring the most unique handmade items, and I will always remember one specific trinket she returned with.

I was about 8 years old, maybe younger, when my grandma walked through her house in Queens, carrying two dolls. These dolls were different from any other Barbie or Monster High doll that I owned at the time. One of them had long, straight, black hair that was styled in one large braid, but the yarn was so thick that the hair did not fall flush against the doll’s back. The other also had black hair, but it was styled with ribbon and wrapped around her head. Both the dolls were placed in a wicker basket that had a flat base so they could stand on their own. The dolls were adorned with long skirts, with intricate patterns that I had never seen on any other dolls before. The top had been knitted out of yellow, pink, red, blue, green, and purple yarn. It contrasted heavily with the darker colors of her other clothing and was even softer than the neatly woven fabric used in the skirt. There was an area of each skirt that laid flat on top of the basket, where many large beads had been glued. These large beads resembled fruits, all different shapes and colors such as green, orange, red, yellow, white, and pink.

Mami let me pick the doll that I wanted to keep, out of the two. Not thinking much of it, I picked the woman with the wrapped hair. Mami’s expression was sweet and I like to think she was content with my decision. She held out the doll and passed it to me, and the other doll was given to my cousin.

I noticed that the doll didn’t look like me. She was different, but not in the way that my monster-hybrid dolls had pink and blue skin that was different from me. This doll had fairer skin and blue eyes. She had my dark, thick hair, but not my skin color, or even eye color. If I was Guatemalan, then how come the doll didn’t look like the kind of Guatemalan I was used to seeing?

Maybe this was too big a question for my younger self to really think into because I don’t remember ever questioning it again. However, I do remember many years later, I saw the woman in the fruit basket on my dresser, where she had stood for years, only this time, I found her less beautiful. I remember being jealous of my cousin for receiving the doll with the braided hair. I didn’t see how a woman with wrapped-up hair was nearly as beautiful, even though I had picked her out in the first place. I tried destroying the doll, aggressively grabbing one of the fruit beads, pulling roughly, and ripping it off. The glue stayed at the base, still stuck to the fabric, but the fruit was now in my hand. I don’t remember what the fruit looked like, and it’s impossible to identify solely based on the color of paint that was left on the glue. I’ve never destroyed one of my belongings before, especially not something as precious as a gift from my grandma. Why did I start now?

Maybe it was because I was in the stage of my life where attractiveness had become a concern. Not only was I judging myself at the time, but I judged the world around me on what I believed to be “beautiful.” Suddenly, my nose had become an issue, my arms were too large and the bump in the center of my lip was disgusting. The bridge of my nose made my side profile feel unbearable and I was frustrated with the fact that none of my friends had lips that looked like mine. These were features I had inherited from my mom, Mami’s daughter. These were features from Guatemala.

Thankfully, my idea of beauty has never stayed the same. Had my definition of beauty stayed the same, I probably would have ended up hating even more of my features, possibly more of my belongings too. I struggled with finding beauty in things. When I found myself more beautiful, I found the things around me more beautiful, and this included the doll that still sat atop my dresser.

The beauty of the doll was intentional. The beads were painted to resemble the fruits of Guatemala. The only fruits I can be certain of identifying are the papaya and the pineapples. Since they can only be observed from the outside color and texture, it’s hard to distinguish whether the textured green fruit was an avocado or guanabana. The red fruit is vaguely shaped, so it could either be an apple or un caimito. The yellow and green fruit may be a lime or granadilla.  The fruits were once recognizable and familiar to my younger and Americanized mind, but maybe they were never those fruits in the first place.

I never knew the story behind where Mami bought the doll, only knowing that she traveled with it. The things Mami bought were always from the markets. The vendor in Guatemala who made the doll probably did not expect it to have made its way into New York. While I’ve never seen what they look like, I imagine them full of color and life. Even though I couldn’t fully understand the journey with words, I understood her actions and understood that Mami had seen it, purchased it, and gifted it to me. I think she knew it would make me happy.

I moved out of the neighborhood in Queens where my grandma had lived, moving to Long Island, and all my belongings with me. My woman in the fruit basket still sits on the same dresser she was on when I was 8 and 11, but I am the one who has changed. One of the hardest things my grandmother has done is communicate with her family’s younger generations without relying on language. One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do was to evolve my idea of beauty and find myself as beautiful as the woman in the fruit basket.

            Now, when I think back on the moment with my grandmother and the doll she gave me, I see that it encompasses a lot more than an exchange. It stands for a bond that cuts over generations and gaps in culture, as well as changing ideas about what beauty is. Through the doll decorated with Guatemalan fruits, my grandmother closed the gap between her world and mine by sharing her affection and culture. Now, time has passed and I’m not living at home where I’d be able to see my doll every time I go to my dresser to do my makeup. Despite this, my doll remains a cherished symbol of the bond between Mami and me. As she continues to wait for me atop my dresser, the woman in the fruit basket reminds me of the beauty found in embracing who I am and where I come from, just as I think my grandmother intended.